“At every end, there is a new beginning.”

I contemplated for months whether I should begin expressing my inner thoughts about serious matters to others. I continuously ignored the haunting idea each day and dealt with it on my own. I believed that no one would understand, not even my significant other– a person who I completely trusted and confided in on the regular. I remained timid, afraid, and damaged which caused me to lose all control. The little control that I had… I lost it, and what became even more detrimental… I lost myself. Every morning I struggled to get out of bed, not because it was just so comfortable, but due to negative notions that would suddenly overshadow within my mind as soon as I was aware a new day had just begun. It was tough. Draining. Unhealthy. Irritating.

In my relationship, the roles reversed. Once the sufferer from emotional and psychological toxicity, months later I became the dangerous one. It’s heartbreaking and embarssing to admit; however, I am not ashamed. Everyone in some shape or form can relate; if not… well job well done. One day, I was forced to look at things at face-value, and when that happened I realized I had to start my life over. I could no longer try to ignore the voice inside that said, “You don’t have it together” or “This is not healthy”. It was too present. Too persistent. I needed to fix this.

How did I do it? I had to start at square one by subtracting myself from equations I was not equivalent to anymore. I dreaded it and did not want to go through it, but I had to create this personal space. Living in solitary is harsh, especially when it is not habitual. I am still having to get accustomed to being alone again, enjoying life on my own again, loving my own again. It’s amazing how just within a year and a half, I became glued to a wonderful person through love and completely forgot how to be alone. Wanting to backtrack so many times, having the urge to beat myself up for my immaturity, and not forgiving myself, it was/is hard, but what keeps me going is the great faith I have in attaining my outcome. My connection with my God has developed into a bond I never want to lose and only want to make stronger. I am grateful for this space and forever thankful for my realization. For it had not been for those two things, I would have never moved. I am proud of this new beginning.

**If you do not have yourself together mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, I advise you start now. Neither toxicity nor unhappiness is good. From this personal experience I decided to reveal, I hope I do not serve as a laughing stock but as your inspiration to change. It is possible because I am evolving already.

**If you are in the process of discovering your value again, whether after a friendship, relationship, or a rough patch in life, please keep going. I know the journey is tedious and consuming at times, but remember your goal and most importantly remember the purpose.

**If you are already at a level of pure self-happiness, I aspire to be where you are. You are the example of “the outcome”. I applaud you for your bravery, your effort, and your strength. Continue to live your life in love and only positive vibes. Lastly, please reassure to others who may not have it all together that although it was not an easy journey, it is damn sure worth it.

Xoxo CHR

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.” -E.B.