As I breathe in, I feel the intensity. I feel the stress just thumping against the walls of my heart. With my eyes closed, I can see anxiety making itself right at home in my mind.
I take a deep breath out, say a quick affirmation, and hope when I open my eyes it will all go away. But nope, it still remains.
Why do I feel this way? Why is it that every time I move forward in one area of my life, the other areas tend to whisper in my ear and say “Hey, you still have to work on me.” Then, there I go again, feeling like I’ll never be whole because it’s always something to master.
Reflecting on my freshman year in college, I thought that year would open the doors of a “new” me, a person who no longer stresses, a person who no longer overthinks every second of her life, a person who is confident in who she is. While I did overcome these areas, the worry and fear have somehow intertwined its way back into my daily routine of living.
I thought schoolwork would save me, nope. I thought being in a relationship would help me, nope. I thought my career would reinvent me, nope. I have no choice but to save myself and honestly, that has been the hardest part of this journey.
A lot of times I don’t know how to keep pushing without wanting to turn the world off and disconnect my phone.
I tend to myself a lot more than many people may think. It can be a great thing because this means I mind my own business, I’m extremely focused on what’s in front of me, and I have complete tunnel vision. However, it can also cause me to feel emotionally detached from important people in my life like family and friends. It forces me not to live in the moment, and I shut down when the smallest unexpected moment arise.
I’m at a point where I don’t know what the hell is happening in my life. Nothing makes sense. I’m trying to make sense of it all, but every attempt to put the pieces of my life’s teachings together, I can’t see the picture.
Healing is hard. It’s demanding of time, space and undivided attention to self. It’s a sacrifice and it has no time frame.
C H A N G I N G — T H E — P E R S P E C T I V E
“You gotta change your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you’ll lose every time.”
I don’t want will not get to a point in my life where I reject my future because of fear. I don’t want will not have this internal vendetta against people because of my unwillingness to forgive or forget. I don’t want to will not shut out my ability to be affectionate because of what I have been through. That’s not who I am and I know that’s not who I am made to be.
Life is ugly beautiful right now. Yup. That’s what I’m describing it as because although it is giving me lemons, I will soon be served a glass of lemonade (:
Until then, I feel. I heal. I live.
**If you are healing from past or current traumas, heartbreak, mental instability, or a crisis, I have this beautiful reminder just for us:
“It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. You are not weak, healing is messy. And there is no timeline for healing.”
Revitalize your soul, love.
Xoxo CHR
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent and could say, I used everything you gave me.” -E.B.
Cianna Hope 